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Embarrassing Moments |
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I was
attending that stupid
summer boarding school
where you're supposed to
study a lot and get up
early and all - all that
during summer break. It
was real depressing.
Anyway, I was sharing my
room with two other
guys. Needless to say we
had a lot of fart jokes.
I woke up early one
morning, and I felt a
big one coming. So I got
up and went by one of
the guy's bedside as he
was asleep. I pulled
down my boxers (which I
wouldn't have done if
the room hadn't been dim
from the shut drapes)
and I farted just as
hard as I could, near
his face (seemed to be a
funny idea at the time.
Only trouble is: I let
out too much.
.. Indeed, a little
piece of poo-poo went
out of my butt to land
on his mattress. And
when I turned around, I
found that he was awake.
As a result yours truly
had to pick it up from
the bed and throw it out
of the window.
I wouldn't have minded
that much if the guy
hadn't had to tell
everybody, making the
rest of the stay at this
school sheer
embarrassment. |
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My dad
and brother (he was 5 at
the time) had this joke
that they would always
pull on each other at
home...
My dad would always
fart, and then say
"Chad!" To which my
brother would reply "No
Dad! That was you dad!
That was you!"
Of course we always
thought this was so
funny, because my
brother would think that
my dad was really
blaming him.
One day, my dad and
brother went into a
local store. While
waiting in line with 5
older ladies behind
them, my brother let out
a huge fart. And darted
around to my dad and
yells "DAD!"
Everyone just looked at
my dad in disgust with
the smell in the air.
My dad grabbed my
brother and took him out
into the car.
As if my dad wasn't mad
enough, he turns to my
brother and says "Don't
you ever do that again
in public!"
To which my brother
replies.... "what's
public?"
Needless to say, we
still love to hear that
story at the family
reunions... |
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A man
worked hard all day
digging the garden and
felt very stiff and
sore. His wife fluttered
about him, pleased with
the amount of work he
had done and anxious to
get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the
bath and I'll bring you
a drink," she suggested
smiling. "Good idea,"
says the husband looking
forward to being waited
on. He's in the bath
when she comes in with a
nice glass of Scotch
which he accepts happily
"If there's anything
else you'd like just
call," says the wife as
she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway
along the landing the
husband relaxes
completely and lets off
an enormous long fart in
the bath. A few minutes
later, despite it being
a very warm Summer's
evening, the wife comes
in with a fluffy bed
warmer "What the heck is
that for?" asks the
husband snappily "Oh
Darling," says the wife,
flustered, "I thought I
heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle,","
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There
once was an old couple
who had been married for
thirty years. Every
morning the old boy
would wake up and give
off an enormous fart,
much to his long
suffering wife's
annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts
out one of these days,"
she always complained.
After a particularly bad
week the wife decided to
have her revenge and got
up early, placing some
turkey giblets in the
bed next to the old
boy's arse.
While making breakfast
downstairs she heard his
usual morning fart
reverberate through the
floorboards followed by
a scream.
Twenty minutes later a
rather shaken man came
downstairs.
"You was right all along
Missus," the old man
says, "I finally did
fart my guts out, but by
the grace of God, I
managed to push 'em back
in!"
Revenge is sweet! |
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The
teacher asked little
Johnny to use the word "
definitely " in a
sentence.
Little Johnny replies,
"Teacher, do farts have
lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of
course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies,
"Then I have definitely
pooped my pants,". |
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Did you
hear about the old guy
who went to the
retirement home?
His kids had the old man
in a rest home that was
the best money could
buy. He even had a pair
of orderlies who stood
by his side 24 hours a
day.
The kids came to visit
him and noticed that the
oldster would lean to
the left and the orderly
on that side would
straighten him up. When
he leaned to the right,
that orderly
straightened him up.
This went on throughout
their visit.
In the course of the
conversation, his son
asked him how he liked
the home.
'The home is fine' said
Dad, 'but it is these
two lummoxes that give
me trouble'.
'How so?' asked the son.
'How so? Every time I
lean over to fart, they
won't let me!' |
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Two guys
are playing golf -- a
Japanese and American.
The Japanese man,
getting ready to tee
off, begins talking into
his thumb.
The American says, 'What
are you doing?'
The Japanese man says:
'Oh, don't worry. With
microtechnology, I have
a microphone inserted in
my thumb. I was just
recording a message.'
The two men go on
playing golf. All of a
sudden, the American man
makes a funny sound that
sounds amazingly like a
fart.
The Japanese man looks
over at him.
'Oh,' says the American.
'Don't worry, I'm just
receiving a fax.' |
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Once upon
a time, there lived a
man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they
always had an
embarrassing and
somewhat lively effect
on him.
One day he met a girl
and fell in love. When
it became apparent that
they would marry, he
thought to himself,
she'll never go through
with the marriage with
me carrying on like
this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and
gave up beans. Shortly
after that they were
married.
A few months later, on
the way home from work,
his car broke down and
since they lived in the
country, he called his
wife and told her that
he would be late because
he had to walk. On his
way home, he passed a
small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had
several miles to walk he
figured he could walk
off any ill effects
before he got home.
So he went in and
ordered, and before
leaving had 3 extra
large helpings of baked
beans. All the way home
he putt-putted. By the
time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the
door and seemed somewhat
excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the
most wonderful surprise
for you for dinner
tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and
led him to his chair at
the head of the table
and made him promise not
to peek.
At this point he was
beginning to feel
another one coming on.
Just as his wife was
about to remove the
blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him
promise not to peek
until she returned, and
away she went to answer
the phone.
While she was gone, he
seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to
one leg and let go. It
was not only loud, but
also ripe as a rotten
egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt
for his napkin and
fanned the air about
him.
He had just started to
feel better, when
another urge came on. He
raised his leg and
RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded
like a diesel engine
revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from
gagging, he tried
fanning his arms a
while, hoping the smell
would dissipate. He got
another urge. This was a
real blue ribbon winner,
the windows shook, the
dishes on the table
rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the
table were dead. While
keeping an ear tuned in
on the conversation in
the hallway, and keeping
his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried
on like this for the
next ten minutes,
farting and fanning each
time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone
farewells he neatly laid
his napkin on his lap
and folded his hands on
top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he
was the picture of
innocence when his wife
walked in. Apologizing
for taking so long, she
asked if he had peeked
at the dinner table.
After assuring her he
had not peeked, she
removed the blindfold
and yelled,
"SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror,
there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the
table for his surprise
birthday party. |
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Doctor,
"What seems to be the
problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got
the farts. I mean I fart
all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do
not stink and you can't
hear them. It's just
that I fart all the
time. Look, we've been
talking here for about
10 minutes and I've
farted five times. You
didn't hear them and you
don't smell them, do
you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and
writes out a
prescription.
The patient is thrilled
"Great doc. This
prescription, will it
really clear up my
farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor,
"The prescription is to
clear your sinuses. Next
week I want you back
here for a hearing
test." |
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